end-of-the-world message from the National Post editorial board

Late December can be an anxious time of year for our readers. The weather is unpredictable. There are last minute presents to be purchased, and holiday budgets to be balanced. Holiday family reunions sound fun — but they can be stressful for hosts, who have to accommodate a range of personalities and dietary restrictions.

This year will be especially tricky, because tomorrow, the entire planet will be annihilated in a cosmic act of mass murder prophesized centuries ago by the ancient Mayans. Seven billion human souls will be sent shrieking into the infinite void of dead space.

The ancient Mayans divided time into units of 394 years — the b’ak’tun. Friday marks the end of the 13th b’ak’tun since the beginning of Mayan time in 3114 BC. For reasons that elude us, but which are well-explained on Internet chat forums, the 13th b’ak’tun is the final b’ak’tun. B’ak’tun-wise, this is it.

The eventual planetary explosion also will send countless trillions of terrestrial spores out into the galaxy. In the fullness of time, one or more will alight upon an oxygen-suffused planet not unlike our own

Given the importance of this astro-apocalypse, it is surprising how little attention it has received in the mainstream media. Here at the National Post, many editors and writers simply found themselves unable to confront the sheer existential enormity of the subject.

Plus, a lot of the space we’d earmarked for the end of the world got taken up by the Ikea monkey.

Not all life on this planet will be exterminated. Yes, the oceans will boil, and the ground under our feet will turn to churning lava. But the eventual planetary explosion also will send countless trillions of terrestrial spores out into the galaxy. In the fullness of time, one or more will alight upon an oxygen-suffused planet not unlike our own.

A little piece of earth will take root and grow. So that’s a win.

But since non-spore based life forms — including humans — will be unable to spread their seed on the solar winds, as it were, this is a good time to hastily recap some of the high points of terrestrial human civilization.

The quick takeaway: As humans, we’ve had a very good run.

Cast a gaze around you. Written language. Organized religion. Classical music. Reinforced concrete. Cell phones. Pan-Asian cuisine. Fake leather that both looks andfeels realistic. Who made all that stuff?

We did.

And we made tons of it. So much so that humans also had to invent garage sales just to get rid of much of it. This is what separates us from lesser primates and dolphins.

With our final moments upon us, we urge readers to orient their gaze toward the heavens and meditate upon our place in the grand sweep of space and time. We can go out with our collective head held high. For a good long while, humans have been the best thing going in this solar system — nay, the galaxy — bringing a dose of adorable, in-your-face zaniness to an otherwise bleak Milky Way.

If this universe had an Ikea Monkey, surely ‘twas us.